It’s not you … it’s me (apparently)

Have you ever had that feeling that everyone else is in on the secret and you are most definitely not. Like maybe you were adopted?  Or, more likely, maybe you are an alien or a robot who was dropped off here on earth for some very much unknown reason and you have yet to discover your super-powers? (powers other than a finely tuned ability to piss people off for some unknown reason)

I have always had that feeling.

I have never once stopped to think it was just “ok” to be different. I have tried and tried and tried to fit in. To be the good girl. To be the same as my friends, my co-workers, my family. I have craved a quiet, small existence and yet manage to have a big, crazy, dramatically and emotionally draining one! I have said to myself time and time again I want off this damn rollercoaster ride of a life! It’s too much, it’s too hard … it’s not for me.

And so I have continuously shaken my end at the situations I find myself in. I have become more and more frustrated at the amount of stupid people in the world and my constant bad luck at having to be the one to deal with them. And I have ploughed on through it all.

Almost 40 years now … I have kept my sanity (mostly) and forged my way through the labrinyth of youth, worker, mum, wife, executive worker …. all with a building level of frustration at how every single moment in my life was an upstream battle.

I have continued to run fast on that uphill treadmill of life day after day, after day … until one day … I fell off. I fell right off that treadmill (or maybe I was pushed, a little) and it all came tumbling down.

This hard long 40 years of trying to be the best alien robot I could be came to an end. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I wasn’t going to either. I was going to try and figure out why the hell my life was the way it was … why I was the way I was … Gain some understanding into why I keep repeating the same crazy stupid annoying patterns in life. Patterns that I find myself trapped in. Seek some clarity and understanding. That famous “ah-ha” moment. Call it what you will, I have been looking and looking everywhere for it.

I have never before really understood what it would feel like to have one of those moments where everything made total sense …  Have you? I’ve always thought it to be like that elusive “orgasmic” screaming moment in “When Harry Met Sally”. Easy to fake, never quite sure if it’s really real, you know? And frankly just the use of the term “ah-ha” moment kind of makes me want to slap people (stick around … you are going to learn that ALOT of things make me want to slap people)

But now I have to admit to you kind people that I’m with them. I have actually had one. I have had an awesome experience of total truth that opens your eyes and for the first time allows you to see the world, the real world … I’ve had one of those.

And let me tell you, reality is bright, blindingly bright. Bursting with clearness and sanity and purpose and air and space. A lot of open space. And once you find that clarity, you want to share that knowledge. You want to run through the streets and shout it from the rooftops. You want to call everyone you know and blurt it on out (or maybe that’s just me?)

What is this amazing discovery you ask? What could I have possibly found out that could make me this damn enthusastic?

If I haven’t lost you already, please let me explain a little more.
This isn’t a spiritual awakening although it feels like this is what that would feel like!

This is the beginning of a journey of understanding and truth. A journey that I will share, if you would like to join me. A journey that began with a really simple observation from a friend that led to a discovery buried inside me all along.

A 40 year journey that has reached an amazing destination, not the final destination but the start of a new even more amazing journey. The current destination is ….  “Asperger’s Syndrome”, and I have arrived! And with this new informaiton I am going to embark on a very exciting new journey …. a journey to understand ‘me’ … totally awesome intelligence, highly sensitive sensory experiences, limited people skills.

I want to share with you what my life has been like for the past almost 40 years and how a simple conversation led to an investigation which led to an understanding of what it means to be an Aspie and in turn understand what it means to be me.

And not only that … As I am a female Aspie I am a rare breed of bird so to speak. We are not that common, or more to the point have not been diagnosed as commonly as our fellow male counterparts. So we are out there, in probably as many numbers as the males, but we just hide our feathers … or hide behind feathers? Either way. We hide, we camouflage. We attempt to fit in and we do a great job. Most of the time! Which means that not only am I discovering myself, I am also discovering my community, my people! People who understand me and who have been through what I have been through

My life has been one dramatic rollercoaster of patterned, impulsive, difficult and sometimes soul-destroying experiences. Experiences and actions seemingly totally out of sync with my intelligence.

And the sad thing is … it didn’t have to be like that. And maybe I can help someone out there recognise themselves, or maybe their children, in my expereinces.
I want to share this journey with you because I don’t want to repeat my patterns anymore and I think having this to refer back to will help to keep me honest, and I hope along the way I can pick up some ‘friends’ and you can all help to keep me honest too!

And, I don’t want anyone else to have to suffer the way I have either. So maybe you will learn something about yourself or someone you know along the way too.

So I’m going to help myself. And hopefully others too.
Stick with me. This is going to be FUN!

xx